Here I am, four weeks into it...

And I'm at split ends.

Sheesh.

I had such high hopes. But here I am, four weeks into it and I remember why I so badly wanted out.

God blessed me and got me out.

Then he blessed me again and let me back in.

Writer's need a day job. Any writer will tell you that.

Well, I've got my day job, now where's the writing?



Right now I'm in a hotel room and tomorrow I'll start a two day class. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with writing and everything to do with the company that issues my paycheck. I do the math and I wonder how we managed as long as we did.

I keep reminding myself that the more I work, the more I can fund my dream... Even though, working takes away from my dream - and more, it takes time away from my family.

My daughter is thriving. She is with family and they are good to her. Some days I look at her and wish I'd done a better job.


Sometimes, I still just want five minutes to myself.


God help me, when will I ever be happy?


I feel myself pulled back... Toward the vaccuum. It will scrape your flesh until that's all you feel and that's all you think about. I had cleaned up so well, but as every minute passes inside that tiny cubicle, headset sucking the life out of me with every call, I feel myself letting old habits return.

And the Casting Crowns song "Slow Fade" is always reminding me why I can't let myself be lead toward the popular, toward the world... Be careful little feet where you go, it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow...



God has a plan. And He's working on me, through me, even when I don't realize it.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to write. Who's my audience? It's like I'd be writing a lie, to write so clean, for the publisher I thought I'd be a good fit for, the one I pitched to and received an invitation. One I haven't revisited...

Fear?

Of course I'm afraid.


I want to deliver a big story in a small package, but I don't think the people I want to reach would pick up a book from the publisher I've considered targeting.

I'm a Christian, but I'm flawed.

Big time.

That's the character I want to portray.

Those are the ones I want to reach. People who are ten steps behind me. In places I've been before. Can you lend someone a hand from a story? Can you encourage someone to grow from a book of fiction?

I can't, but I know God can.